Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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