Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i came on her dog
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
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