btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
