walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
