They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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