Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We have started to decorate penises.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
