did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
