I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
