I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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