shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
