her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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