dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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