I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
