Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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