I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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