if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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