On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
