i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
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I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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