By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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