I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
