i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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