I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
soo... how was my night?
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