Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
