9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
