Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
