k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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