Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
