You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
