You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We were destined to go to rehab together
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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