I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize