I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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