My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
