why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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