You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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