He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
