shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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