They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
