I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
