Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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