We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
