I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize