I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
