Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
