I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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