I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
