I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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