My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
