I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
