im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize
