So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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