I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
