So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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