Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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