Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
