broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
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My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
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Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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