Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
