my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
