you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
