im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can't turn off my feet"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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