Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
